Well, hello there! Remember me, your Pop Culture Junkie mama? I know I’ve been M.I.A. since having a baby in July, but here and there a pop culture happening will drag me out of my temporary bloggy retirement, and seeing Taylor Lautner’s new movie –Abduction – gave me a reason to come out and say hello.

I’m a major movie buff and I haven’t seen a movie since mid-August. For some people this is normal, but for me it’s sad and depressing because, pre-baby, I used to go almost every weekend. So the fact that I used my “get away from baby” card on THIS movie is a bit maddening to me, especially with movies like Moneyball and Drive opening this weekend too. What can I say? I’m just a desperate ab loving Twi-hard who will follow 'Jacob' wherever he goes. And besides, Bulletsucker and I needed to meet up to do our movie research on one of PCJ’s favorite man-boys. It’s our job as lazy bloggers, people.

Abduction’s “plot”

SO, Taylor flexes his muscles in his first leading man role in which he plays a teenager who discovers his face on a missing person’s website, and he quickly realizes that his life is a sham and his parents didn’t birth him. Suddenly, before we know it, bad guys are coming out of the woodworks like gang busters trying to kill him – or at least we think. It's all kind of rushed if you ask me. Insert cute girl neighbor with caterpillars for eyebrows (Lilly Collins), and in the midst of Nathan (Lautner) running for his life – a love story unfolds. In the movie, Taylor gets to kick some ass and show off his martial arts prowess. I really think TayTay could be the next Tom Cruise action star. I mean, he does his own stunts. That’s sexy. Unfortunately, his acting still needs some finesse. In his defense, I reasoned with Bulletsucker; “Hey, Brad Pitt was a shitty actor before Legends of the Fall. Haven’t you seen Cool World?” 'Nuff said. I won’t spoil the movie for you, but I’ll just say that the script is weak as hell and obvy the entire movie is banking on the fact that Taylor Lautner’s abs will draw millions of lusting teenage girls….and me and Bulletsucker. The veteran actors in this movie like Sigourney Weaver and Maria Bello should be embarrassed they didn’t smell this stinker from a mile away.

Have you ever seen a movie that is so bad that you literally find yourself laughing when you’re supposed to be grabbing your date’s shoulder in suspense? Well honestly, I cannot remember the last time I laughed this hard at anything. Bulletsucker and I were literally laughing out loud nonstop the entire movie – adlibbing our own lines that we felt appropriately followed such ridiculous lines such as; “I just saw my parents get murdered in front of my eyes.” Really? Really! Are you sure you didn’t just see your parents get murdered behind your head? I knew there was a little love scene – ok, kissing scene, whatever – so I was at least looking forward to that. I wanted to see Taylor’s acting chops when he’s groping a chick’s ass. The dialogue leading up to the scene was embarrassingly juvenile, but the kiss itself had things quickly looking up when Taylor slams his gal against the wall and then picks her up and straddles her legs around his hips. HOTCHACHA! Just when I felt like the movie was turning around for the amazing – the stupid mutherfucking girl pulls away and suddenly says: “We should eat”, and then she gets up and walks away. WHAT! Cue our adlibbing. Taylor should’ve responded with; “I’ve got something for you to eat….how about my GODDAMN BLUE BALLS!”

About halfway through the movie we started to see people trickling out of the theater – they’d had enough. We wondered if we’d be the only ones left in the end – if we even made it that long ourselves! But alas, we made it to the anti-climatic, ridiculous ending. *sighs*

I really hope Taylor gets a chance to act in more movies after this. (I'm being dramatic, he will have plenty of opportunities, surely...) To be fair though; I think Taylor is just young and naïve still. He doesn’t have a keen eye for good scripts yet – he’s just thrilled to be a leading man. He reads that he gets to do some Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks and he’s in like Flynn. Next time I’ll be more particular before I see a movie just because a hot set of abs are in it. But maybe I won’t, who knows. Abs are hot.  

<----------

The end.